Sept. 30, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Today's Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation

 

Saturday, Sept. 30, 2023

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important.

— T. S. Eliot

Humility is a wonderful gift for us addicts. We tend to think we are better or worse than everyone else. We are not. Humility is simply knowing that we have a right to be alive and breathing as much as anyone else and no more.

Of course, we are different in some ways. We have different talents and gifts. We each have a great deal to offer, and that is good because there are a lot of needs in the world. Our job is to pitch in and make the work lighter for everyone.

Humility means taking on the role of showing up for life and doing our best. We don’t expect others to do all the work for us. We don’t stand outside the group feeling that we are not good enough to join in. We show up, suit up, and get to work.

Prayer for the Day

Higher Power, thanks for helping me enjoy being part of the human race, for showing me that I’m a person who has gifts and talents that I need to share.

Today’s Action

Today I will list the talents and gifts I bring to people. Then I will ask two people, “When you see me coming, what do you expect me to bring to whatever is going on?”  I will write down what they say.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 30, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Step by Step

 

Step by Step

Saturday, Sept. 30, 2023

“11. — Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity. We think AA ought to avoid sensational advertising. Our names and pictures as AA members ought not be broadcast, filmed or publicly printed. Our public relations should be guided by the principle of attraction rather than promotion. There is never need to praise ourselves. We feel it better to let our friends recommend us.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Appendices, “The Twelve Traditions” (long form), p 567.

Todayno “praise” for my recovery, be it years of sobriety or my first meeting tonight. While it is appropriate to give a quick pat on the back for working toward recovery, the overwhelming “credit” belongs to the Program without which we have no lifeline to grab and hold onto. If I should boast about my recovery as my own achievement, if I become complacent in sobriety or if I neglect to do what the Program suggests, I have probably neglected my responsibility to be one of its “success” stories anonymously. Today, I will be stingy in claiming my sobriety as my own accomplishment and instead remember that the credit is AA’s. And our common journey continues. Step by Step. — Chris M., 2023

Sept. 30, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Twenty-Four Hours a Day

 

Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Saturday, Sept. 30, 2023

AA Thought for the Day
There are no leaders in AA, except as they volunteer to accept responsibility. The work of carrying on AA — leading group meetings, serving on committees, speaking before other groups, doing twelfth-step work, spreading AA among the alcoholics of the community — all these things are done on a volunteer basis. If I don’t volunteer to do something concrete for AA, the movement is that much less effective. I must do my fair share to carry the load. AA depends on all its members to keep it alive and to keep it growing.

Am I doing my share for AA?

Meditation for the Day
When you look to God for strength to face responsibility and are quiet before Him, His healing touch causes the Divine Quiet to flow into your very being. When in weakness you cry to God, His touch brings healing, the renewal of your courage and the power to meet every situation and be victorious. When you faint by the way or are distracted by feelings of inferiority, then rely on the touch of God’s spirit to support you on your way. Then arise and go forth with confidence.

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may lay myself open today to the healing touch of God. I pray that I may not falter or faint by the wayside, but renew my courage through prayer.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 30, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: A Day at a Time

 

A Day at a Time

Saturday, Sept. 30, 2023

Reflection for the Day
No matter what other people do or don’t do, we have to remain sober and free from other addictions for ourselves. When our program of recovery becomes contingent on the actions or inactions of another person — especially someone with whom we’re emotionally involved — the results are invariably disastrous. We need to also remember that intense dislike is as much an emotional involvement as newfound romantic love. In short, we have to cool any risky emotional involvements in the first few months of our recovery, trying to accept the fact that our feelings could change quickly and dramatically. Our watchword must be “First Things First,” concentrating on our number one problem before anything else.

Am I building a firm foundation while steering clear of slippery emotional areas?

Today I Pray
May I always remember that healthy relationships with people are necessary for my recovery. But – that substituting an obsession with either a love or hate object is as dangerous to my self-being as any other addiction.

Today I Will Remember
A dependency is a dependency is a dependency.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 30, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: The Eye Opener

 

The Eye Opener

Saturday, Sept. 30, 2023

Our AA philosophy is an idealistic philosophy. It has to be in order to be a happy philosophy. Some may declare that it is too much so, that we ignore more materialistic facts. Let us take from our philosophy all the good and the joy it promises. Let us give our gold no acid test.

If our philosophy is unreal and foolish in the eyes of the more materialistic world, then what of it? It enables us to be happier than those that have good sense.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 30, 2023 – Good morning to a beautiful and stupendous Saturday

 

Good morning and be like this cute little pussy kitty and have some enthusiasm for another beautiful Saturday and weekend …do today good, and let nothing and no one make it otherwise

Sept.29, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Today's Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation

 

Friday, Sept. 29, 2023

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

We don’t have time not to have time.

— Gary Burke

To develop the habit of reflection means to take the time, regularly and often, to listen to ourselves, to ask how things are going, to think about what things we did today that were successful, and what things we did that were not so successful. When we reflect, we bend back to see where we have been so we can know where to go next.

Reflection breeds insight. “I never thought of it that way,” can become a way of life, a limitless opportunity. But we must stand in the way of it if we want to see life and its possibilities in a new way. We have to make the time to reflect, and we have to stick with it until the thoughts flow. At times, our minds have to be literally pried open to make room for the fresh air of new ideas: reflection is the tool to use.

I will daily examine my life to see if I have taken the time to walk my road of recovery.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 29, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Step by Step

 

Step by Step

Friday, Sept. 29, 2023

12. – …(W)e of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance. It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Appendices, “The Twelve Traditions” (long form), pp 567-68.

Today, Traditions 9-12, that anonymity of all those in the Program is a principle rather than a courtesy. If we can understand that a principle is an ethic that governs AA, any personal grievances we have become insignificant and futile in the goal of our individual recoveries and the effectiveness of the Program as a whole. As the 12th Tradition promises, anonymity has the spiritual power for us to be hungry for “genuine humility,” or our desire to know and carry out the will of our Higher Power as we understand Him  and not our will. Today, I renew my commitment to respect the 12th Tradition and all others as AA’s code of ethics. In the process, God grant that I know the humility of the principle of anonymity and, maybe more, develop a higher sense of responsibility to my sobriety. And our common journey continues. Step by step. — Chris M., 2023

Sept. 29, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Twenty-Four Hours a Day

 

Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Friday, Sept. 29, 2023

AA Thought for the Day
Having got this far, shall we pause and ask ourselves some searching questions? We need to check up on ourselves periodically. Just how good an AA am I? Am I attending meetings regularly? Am I doing my share to carry the load? When there is something to be done, do I volunteer? Do I speak at meetings when asked, no matter how nervous I am? Do I accept each opportunity to do twelfth-step work as a challenge? Do I give freely of my time and money? Am I trying to spread AA wherever I go? Is my daily life a demonstration of AA principles?

Am I a good AA?

Meditation for the Day
How do I get strength to be effective and to accept responsibility? By asking the Higher Power for the strength I need each day. It has been proved in countless lives that for every day I live, the necessary power shall be given me. I must face each challenge that comes to me during the day, sure that God will give me the strength to face it. For every task that is given me, there is also given me all the power necessary for the performance of that task. I do not need to hold back.

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may accept every task as a challenge. I know I cannot wholly fail if God is with me.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 29, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: A Day at a Time

 

A Day at a Time

Friday, Sept. 29, 2023

Reflection for the Day
In our first weeks or months in The Program, our shaky emotional condition sometimes affects our feelings toward old friends and family. For many of us, these relationships heal quickly in the initial stages of our recovery. For others, a time of “touchiness” seems to persist; now that we’re no longer drinking or using other chemicals, we have to sort out our feelings about spouse, children, relatives, employer, fellow workers and even neighbors. Experience in the Program over the years has taught that we should avoid making important decisions early in our recovery — especially emotion-charged decisions about people.

Am I becoming better equipped to relate maturely to other people?

Today I Pray
May God help me through the edginess, the confusion of re-feeling and re-thinking my relationships, the “getting-it-all-together” stages of my recovery. May I not rush into new relationships or new situations that demand an investment of my emotions -– not yet.

Today I Will Remember
No entangling alliances too soon.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 29, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: The Eye Opener

 

The Eye Opener

Friday, Sept. 29, 2023

We members of AA have a tremendous responsibility. We must in our work discuss the most personal matters with the new guy or gal. This information is given us under desperate circumstances and should be treated as most confidential. Carelessness in this respect can and does do a lot of harm at times. Let us confine our conversations with each other to only that part of the new man’s problem that pertains to his actual drinking, because that is the only phase of the problem that we can efficiently advise him on, anyway. These personal matters are matters of trust, and they deserve the same confidential treatment as a church confessional.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 29, 2023 – Good morning with gratitude that we’ve made it to Friday

 

Good morning and let’s aim for a drama- and trauma-free Friday and ignore people and things that aren’t worth our efforts

Sept. 28, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Today's Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation

 

Thursday, Sept. 28, 2023

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the way.

— Beyond Codependency

Our goal in recovery is to make ourselves feel comfortable, peaceful, content. Happy. We want to be at peace with ourselves and our environment. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.

I am not talking here about being addicted to misery and pain. I am not talking about creating unnecessary pain. I’m talking about the legitimate discomfort we sometimes need to feel as we heal.

When we have surgery, the pain hurts most the day after the operation. When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We’re removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed. Sometimes the process hurts.

We are strong enough to survive discomfort and temporary feelings of emotional pain. Once we are willing to face and feel our discomfort and pain, we are almost to the point of release.

Today, I am willing to face my discomfort, trusting that healing and release are on the other side.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 28, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Step by Step

 

Step by Step

Thursday, Sept. 28, 2023

“1. — Each member of Alcoholics Anonymous is but a small part of a great whole. AA must continue to live or most of us will surely die. Hence our common welfare comes first. But individual welfare follows close afterward.” — The First Tradition (long form), Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Appendices, “The Twelve Traditions,” p 565.

Today, understand and respect the first tradition of AA, that I am not first and foremost and that my own sobriety and recovery contribute to the effectiveness of the Program as a whole. The sobriety and acceptance for which I have worked are not solely mine but mirror AA’s effectiveness — be it in the eyes of a newcomer or the public and various professional organizations. Because of that responsibility, understand also that sobriety carries a responsibility. My responsibility to my sobriety, then, boils down to being in service as the first tradition states. If I can effectively serve, I may be contributing to my own recovery which, as the first tradition says, comes a close second. Today, my sobriety is not my own and is part of everyone else’s, and I am responsible to work for continued recovery. And our common journey continues. Step by step. — Chris M., 2023

Sept. 28, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Twenty-Four Hours a Day

 

Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Thursday, Sept. 28, 2023

AA Thought for the Day
For the past two months we have been studying passages and steps from the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Now why not read the book itself again? It is essential that the AA program become part of us. We must have its essentials at our finger tips. We cannot study the Big Book too much or too often. The more we read it and study it, the better equipped we are to think AA, act AA and live AA. We cannot know too much about the program. The chances are that we will never know enough. But we can make as much of it our own as possible.

How much of the Big Book have I thoroughly mastered?

Meditation for the Day
We need to accept the difficulties and disciplines of life so as to fully share the common life of other people. Many things that we must accept in life are not to be taken so much as being necessary for us personally, as to be experienced in order that we may share in the sufferings and problems of humanity. We need sympathy and understanding. We must share many of the experiences of life, in order to understand and sympathize with others. Unless we have been through the same experiences, we cannot understand other people or their makeup well enough to be able to help them.

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may accept everything that comes my way as a part of life. I pray that I may make use of it in helping other people.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 28, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: A Day at a Time

 

A Day at a Time

Thursday, Sept. 28, 2023

Reflection for the Day
Now that we’re free from our addictions, living life one day at a time, we can begin to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had shown none; we can take the time and initiative to be thoughtful, considerate and compassionate. Even with the people we dislike, we can at least try to be courteous, at times literally going out of our way to understand and help them.

Just for today, will I try to understand rather than be understood, being courteous and respectful to all people with whom I’m in contact?

Today I Pray
May I never forget my old sponge-like self, who soaked up every drop of affection and attention my family or friends could give me, until they were sapped dry. May I learn to be a giver, rather than a constant taker. May I practice offering interest, kindness, consideration and compassion until sensitivity to others becomes second nature to me.

Today I Will Remember
Giving is part of being.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 28, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: The Eye Opener

 

The Eye Opener

Thursday, Sept. 28, 2023

We have all had the pleasure of knowing intimately several men who might be classed as “Gentlemen of Leisure” and what a squirrel cage they were usually in. They labored all night long to get in jams that required a staff of lawyers all the next day to extricate them.

It takes a big man to make effective use of leisure.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 28, 2023 – Good morning to a fantastic Thursday

 

Good morning and let’s be like this cute little puppy dog and take today to be simply grateful for the good in our lives and try not to be weighed down by any uncertainties, fears and insecurities

Sept. 27, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Today's Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation

 

Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2023

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

I wanted my hands to be rain for her to wash away all hurt.

— Minnie Bruce Pratt

Stories of others’ suffering move us to want to help, to make the world a safer place, to share the healing we have experienced. We may feel powerless when we encounter others’ suffering in the face of sickness, loss, or violence. We may be tempted to try to offer a “quick fix” so that we don’t have to live with the anxiety another’s pain causes us. We may feel frustrated that our love and concern can’t make everything better. Or we may withdraw, overwhelmed by problems we know no way of solving.

At such times we can affirm that healing is a natural tendency and that others have a Higher Power working in their lives. We can offer unconditional love and moral support. If it’s appropriate, we can share our experience, strength, and hope.

It doesn’t help others when we’re more active than they’re willing to be in attempting to solve their problems, or when we neglect our own lives in the process.

Today, I offer love and understanding without trying to fix others.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 27, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Step by Step

 

Step by Step

Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2023

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance — that principle is contempt prior to investigation.” — Herbert Spencer

” …(A)ny alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.
“We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.” 
— Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Appendices, “Spiritual Experience,” p 570.

Today, to close my mind to the possibility of a Power greater than myself is equivalent to self-absorption and, as such, my recovery Program predictably will fail. Not only does a Program that focuses on my wants and needs trample over the 12th Step marching order to help the alcoholic who still suffers, it is destined for failure. There is humility and gain in service to others if for no other reason than the possibility that a Higher Power exists and can pull me from inside myself and heed the lessons of other alcoholics. In the process, I may learn that what I think is the enormity of my problems is minuscule against the problems of others. And our common journey continues. Step by step. — Chris M., 2023

Sept. 27, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Twenty-Four Hours a Day

 

Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2023

AA Thought for the Day
Continuing the consideration of the term “spiritual experience:” “What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions, our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource when they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves the essence of spiritual experience. In any case, willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery.”

Have I tapped that inner resource which can change my life?

Meditation for the Day
God’s power in your life increases as your ability to understand His grace increases. The power of God’s grace is only limited by the understanding and will of each individual. God’s miracle-working power is only limited in each individual soul by the lack of spiritual vision of that soul. God respects free will, the right of each person to accept or reject His miracle-working power. Only the sincere desire of the soul gives Him the opportunity to bestow it.

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may not limit God’s power by my lack of vision. I pray that I may keep my mind open today to His influence.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 27, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: A Day at a Time

 

A Day at a Time

Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2023

Reflection for the Day
In times past, even as adults, many of us childishly insisted that people protect, defend and care for us. We acted as if the world owed us a living. And then, when the people we most love became fed up, pushing us aside or perhaps abandoning us completely, we were bewildered. We couldn’t see that our over-dependence on people was unsuccessful because all human beings are fallible; even the best of them will sometimes let us down, especially when our demands are unreasonable. Today, in contrast, we rely upon God, counting on Him rather than on ourselves or other people.

Am I trying to do as I think God would have me do, trusting the outcome of His will for me?

Today I Pray
May I know, from the dependencies of my past, that I am a dependent person. I depended on alcohol, mood-altering chemicals, food or other addictive pursuits. I was inclined to “hang” on other people, depending on them for more than they could give. May I, at last, switch from these adolescent dependencies to a mature healthy dependency on my Higher Power.

Today I Will Remember
I have more than one dependency.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 27, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: The Eye Opener

 

The Eye Opener

Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2023

For us alcoholics, the First Step in life was the usual toddle of the infant. The Second Step, we learned to walk erect like a man; the Third Step, we started to run to keep up with the world; the Fourth Step, we were staggering; the Fifth Step was stumbling and falling; and the Twelfth Step found us erect again.

What happened between the Fifth Step when we fell and the Twelfth Step? Don’t ask me, I’m an alcoholic, too. I had probably just blacked out. Watch your steps — they take you places.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 27, 2023 – Good morning and let’s make it a worthwhile Wednesday

 

Good morning and here’s a cute little puppy dog driving a happy car on their way to a productive and worthwhile Wednesday …let’s take their cue and make it a drama- and trauma-free day

Sept. 26, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Today's Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation

 

Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2023

Today’s Gift from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Humility means being teachable

Step Seven suggests that we humbly ask God to help us with our shortcomings, not other people’s. Perhaps we fail to see our shortcomings on many occasions, or, when we do see them, we self-righteously justify them. We have honed in on other people’s shortcomings far more often. Nevertheless, we can discover our own if we begin tracking our inner feelings. They are excellent indicators of the behavior(s) we need to change.

With God’s help we can change or give up any behavior that hinders our lives and relationships. We don’t have to yell in anger or pout over hurt feelings. Withholding our love or plotting revenge can be removed from our bank of reactions. We can ask God for freedom from any behavior we no longer want. And if we are willing to be free of the behavior, it will be removed — on God’s timetable.

If I really want God’s help in getting free of troubling behaviors, I simply have to ask. Help will come.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 26, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Step by Step

 

Step by Step

Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2023

“God willing, we members of AA may never again have to deal with drinking, but we have to deal with sobriety every day. How do we do it? By learning — through practicing the Twelve Steps and through sharing at meetings — how to cope with the problems that we looked to booze to solve, back in our drinking days.” -- Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, “They Lost Nearly All,” Ch 13 (“AA Taught Him to Handle Sobriety”), p 560.

Todaymy Higher Power’s plan for my life and the 12 Steps can take me from dealing with drinking again because my challenge now is not drinking but living sober — living no longer in the problem but being a willing participant in the answer of living sober. In drinking, I experienced what it held for me — fear, anger, disgust, regret, loneliness, pain, resentment. In sobriety, the answers aren’t as clear because I either have lived too long in alcoholism or lived most of my life without sobriety. The key to living in the answer instead of the problem is, indeed, the 12 Steps and faith in the God of my understanding. And if they sometimes lead me to uncertain and even scary places because they are not familiar, I know they cannot be as frightening as the certainty of where drinking will take me again. Today, I choose — because now I have a choice — to live in the solution of sobriety and not in the problem of fighting not to drink. And our common journey continues. Step by step. — Chris M., 2023

Sept. 26, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: Twenty-Four Hours a Day

 

Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2023

AA Thought for the Day
Continuing the consideration of the term “spiritual experience:” “The acquiring of an immediate and over-whelming God-consciousness, resulting in a dramatic transformation, though frequent, is by no means the rule. Most of our spiritual experiences are of the educational variety, and they develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often friends of newcomers are aware of the difference long before they are themselves. They finally realize that they have undergone a profound alteration in their reaction to life and that such a change could hardly have been brought about by themselves alone.”

Is my outlook on life changing for the better?

Meditation for the Day
Look at the world as your Father’s house. Think of all people you meet as guests in your Father’s house, to be treated with love and consideration. Look at yourself as a servant in your Father’s house, as a servant of all. Think of no work as beneath you. Be ever ready to do all you can for others who need your help. There is gladness in God’s service. There is much satisfaction in serving the highest that you know. Express your love for God in service to all who are living with you in your Father’s house.

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may serve others out of gratitude to God. I pray that my work may be a small repayment for His grace so freely given me.

Hazelden Foundation

Sept. 26, 2023 - Readings in Recovery: A Day at a Time

 

A Day at a Time

Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2023

Reflection for the Day
Is freedom from addiction all that we’re to expect from a spiritual awakening? Not at all. Freedom from addiction is only the bare beginning; it’s only the first gift of our first awakening. Obviously, if more gifts are to come our way, our awakening has to continue. As it does continue, we find that slowly but surely we can scrap the old life — the one that didn’t work — for a new life that can and does work under any and all conditions.

Am I willing to continue my awakening through the practice of the Twelve Steps?

Today I Pray
May I remember how it was when my only goal in life was to be free of my addiction. All the words and phrases I used were stoppers — “giving it up,” “quitting,” “cutting myself off.” Once I was free, I began to realize that my freedom had more to do with “beginning” than “stopping.” May I now continue to think in terms of starters — “expanding,” “awakening,” “growing,” “learning,” “becoming.”

Today I Will Remember
My stopping was a starting point.

Hazelden Foundation

Oct. 12, 2024 - Readings in Recovery: Step by Step

  Step by Step Saturday, Oct. 12, 2024 ” …(T)he best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my exp...